A Hiatus.

Skinny Bitch will be on an extended hiatus. I've decided to focus on my mental and emotional experiences dealing with my dad's diagnosis of cancer. Follow this adventure on my new blog "Cocktails and Cancer" at cocktailsandcancer.blogspot.com.

Skinny Bitch will be back. One day. But, right now, my dress size is the last thing on my mind. Thank you for following Skinny Bitch. And I promise you that, although it will be much more depressing, "Cocktails and Cancer" will be at least as witty.


XOXO,

Alison

A review.

As you all have obviously noticed, I took a little "vacation" from blogging. Well. Also from working out. So let me fill you in.

Week 1. November 15-21.
A Wisconsin Welcome.

Spent the week visiting my family in Wisconsin which obviously means that I got to enjoy my mom's home cooking and the fabulous Scotty's Pizza Bacon, Broccoli, and Cheese Pizza.

Ladies Night at the Elk's: a rousing evening of drinks, dancing, and enjoying the company of family and friends...to sum it up: several rounds of apple pie shots, vandalizing the birthday girl's purse (oh Lizzy), recreating the annual shot tower of awesomeness (creating a fortress of our empty shot glasses), appetizers served by gentlemen in tuxedos, creating a dancing circle while cheering on women aged 50+ as they bust out their post-disco dance moves, and having such a wonderful time, that it should be illegal. I think in some states it may be.

Week 2. November 22-28.
Turkey Day.

Enjoyed the holiday most dreaded by anyone on a diet - Thanksgiving. Sage-Butter turkey. My dad's signature mashed potatoes. Bacon-roasted brusselsprouts. Bacon and shallot green beans. (we like bacon). Caramel apple pie. I think I'll gain five pounds just thinking about it. Mmm. Anyone else hear their stomach growl?

Week 3. November 29 - December 5.
Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.

Enjoyed my last week in the land of brats and cheese and all things fried.

Attended my first Ugly Christmas Sweater Party which was the perfect combination of polyester and hilarity. Thanks Brian and Laura for such an awesome time! Of course, I won first place with the delightfully tacky, yet unrefined outfit I model below....


Week 4. December 6-12.
Back to Texas.

Embarked on an epic voyage south where I left the frigid snowy North and spent two days driving back down to the ridiculous 70-degree December weather of Houston, Texas. It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when there is no snow, no below-freezing temps, and everyone says ya'll. But the tree was decorated and the stockings were hung by the chimney with care...blah blah whatever.



Week 5. December 13 - 19.
Christmas Shopping.

Should count as a workout. Throwing elbows, leapfrogging over small children, and racing about the store can break a sweat and burn some calories. But I won't count it. Because I shop online.


Week 6. December 20-26.
Merry Friggin Christmas.

Spent the week pouring over cookbooks and various online recipe outlets to create the perfect Christmas dinner. Prime Rib with Cabarnet Au Jus. Some more bacon-roasted brusselsprouts. Steamed green beans. My attempt at my dad's famous mashed potatoes. Homemade cheesecake.

But alas, not such a perfect dinner could be conjured. The prime rib was undercooked, the brusselsprouts landed at the table cold, the mashed potatoes were a little too lumpy, and the cheesecake was bought from the store and completely forgotten about until after the guests had left. But between Catch Phrase, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, great friends, and a few bottles of Everclear soaked apple pie shots, Christmas was everything I could have wanted.


Week 7. December 27-January 2.
Auld Lang Syne - which means Happy New Years Bitches!

As 2010 came to a close, it was celebrated with champagne, some more Catch Phrase, watching midnight fireworks atop a large parking garage in downtown Houston. Throw in some other great friends, and I would say it was truely a Happy New Year. Except the high heels. The super cute sparkly zebra black and white high heels I wore. My feet began plotting their revenge after that torturous exploit. But beauty is pain. And those heels were really cute.


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And that brings us to January. Month of resolutions. I've made several and will break most of them. But cheers to 2011. And a new look for the blog. Keep your eye out. Maybe I'll be make blogging become one more bad habit.

Little Fried Cheese Curds

I finally broke the 160 pound barrier. To my happy surprise, the scale just rang in at 157.5 pounds. Which is a surprise because I just spent the last two days driving to Wisconsin from Texas. That's 1340 miles and 21 hours of doing nothing but sitting on my ass in the car, eating nothing but fast food, and drinking gallons of soda and coffee to keep my eyes open so I didn't drive off the road.

A few weeks ago, I started Skinny Bitch again. Which meant that I finally started working out again. I'm not a huge fan of working out. My favorite meal is a good burger with fries. I love chocolate and ice cream. Anything with cheese is great. I love lounging on the couch watching a movie or playing some random game on Facebook...no Farmville for this girl though - seriously - a lost cow? C'mon people. I was becoming content with my sedentary lifestyle (and for those of you who don't speak snob, that means lazy). I was making excuses for everything that wiggles and jiggles...I blamed it on everything but myself. Well - this is what a real woman's body is like...or I'm from Wisconsin - I need the fine layer of fat to keep warm. I made allowances for eating out and eating crappy. A whopper once a week is okay...or dark chocolate is good for you...or so what if it has bacon, it's a salad. I told myself and everyone who would listen that I didn't care what I looked like...that I was a strong independent woman. But the sorry truth is that I did care what I looked like...muffin tops are not sexy on anyone. I also wasn't strong...I got winded from taking the stairs two at a time. And I definetly wasn't independent - I depended on burgers and Pepsi. So I decided, with the urging of some of you out there, to get back on the so-called horse called Skinny Bitch. And it's been the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. So thank you. Thank you for that number on the scale. I really truly could not have done this without you.

I'm about to get my ass up off this recliner and get a workout and run knocked out. No treadmill for this girl for the next two weeks. Only cold Wisconsin air. And NO fried food. Even though those little fried cheese curds could make me leave my husband.

An Odd Phenomenon

So Brock was in Boise this last weekend. And I never work out when he's not around. I have no idea why. I think it has something to do with the whole "if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it something-something-something" sorta bullshit. Normally I'm terrible when he's out-of-town. He'll come home to poorly hidden fast food wrappers in the garbage and a guilt-ridden wife reclined in front of the TV watching some reality show (think Al Bundy from Married with Children - but cute).
It's an odd phenomenon - the "when the cat is away, the mice will play" theory (in my case "play" means greedily stuff my face with fatty burgers and greasy fries while slurping down a large soda and then pathetically, and typically poorly, attempting to hide the evidence). And the thing is - he doesn't even care if I eat fast food - and I wouldn't give a shit if he did - but as any of you who are lucky enough to know my husband understand that relentless badgering and quipy little comments are somewhat of his specialty.
Anyway - my point is that I didn't resort to my typical fast food binge while Brock was gone. I ate a salad. I ate some chicken nuggets (the frozen ones - not Mickey D's - and yes - I know they are not considered quote-unquote healthy, and to tell you the truth, they really kind of sucked). I ate a frozen pizza (and only a few slices - normally I'll mindlessly eat a whole pizza in front of the TV and then wonder why I can't fit my ass in skinny jeans). But - NO fast food! Score one for Alison's willpower. But detract a point for being a lazy couch potato and not working out. But add another point or two for cleaning the entire house. What's my score now? I don't know. I was never that great at basic math. 2+2 = Hmmm...5.667. See. I told you it's not my strong suit.

I did don my sports bra and running pants (that make my bootie look great - it helps my self-esteem as I stare at myself in the mirror while jogging - hey - don't laugh - why else do you think they have those floor-to-ceiling mirrors? Oh. To make sure you're using correct form? Whatever...my ass still looks great in those pants). Ok. I'm finished having a conversation with myself. I'm sure you are all wondering why in the hell you follow my blog at this point. Anywho - I did complete the Get-Your-Body-Back weight workout and then moved on to the treadmill where, no, I did not stare at my ass while running - not the whole time anyway.

Hip raises in shorts are a gym no-no.

I'm cooling down from my walk/jog. Mostly a brisk walk. But I hear that a brisk walk burns as many calories as a jog. Don't tell me if it's not true. I'm blissfully ignorant...and sweating. So shh. Don't burst my bubble.

I did run though. Well fast jogged. For about half-a-mile. Which is really good for me. Because I'm not a runner. And since I broke my left tibia and fibula 8 years ago, my knee and ankle absorb a ton of shock when I run. My knee normally kills me when I run. But lately, it hasn't been hurting. Which is super great.

I've also been going strong on the "Get-Your-Body-Back" weight workout. It's awesome because I can do it completely at home. Which is nice, because doing hip raises in a crowded gym seems obscene, tacky, and slightly pornographic. Especially in shorts.

I must be crazy.

The Tough Mudder. A 10-mile obstacle course designed by the British Special Forces to test all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie. And the fact that I will be competing in this race at the end of January proves that I'm crazy. Not fun crazy. Padded-room crazy. And Brock will be joining me in the asylum. But at least its all for a good cause - all sponsorship proceeds go to the Wounded Warrior Project which provides programs and services to severely injured service members during the time between active duty and transition to civilian life.

For more info, check out the page "Tough Mudder".

Run. Walk. Vote.

Happy Election Day!

I hope everyone gets out there to vote today. Democrat. Republican. Independent. Tea Party. It doesn't matter who you vote for. As long as you vote.

And just remember:

Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing and for the same reason.

______________________________

Feed me Seymour.

I've decided to add in a few recipes that I've come up with/recreated/found which are incredibly healthy. And tasty. Now, I know that sounds like an oxymoron. Tasty and healthy do not typically end up in the same sentence. But because my lovely husband is not only lactose-intolerant but has irritable bowel syndrome, meal times can be a huge challenge...especially for a girl that loves anything fried and covered in cheese. And to make my life even harder, Brock is bound and determined to complete a 14-day "Candida Cleanse" diet...meaning no carbs or sugar. It's the Atkins diet - on crack. I think this diet is a load of crap, but he's insistent and I'm supportive, so I'm now forced to cook like some tree-hugging vegan hippie. But I refuse to eat something that tastes like cardboard so I've become quite crafty with spices and herbs. Check back here every once in a while and try some of these recipes for yourself. You'll be surprised by how good healthy food can be. Trust me. I have been.

_______________________________

Baked Herb Tilapia with Rice and Steamed Asparagus

Let's start with the Baked Herb Tilipia:

Ingredients:

• fresh tilapia fillets (go for the fresh stuff - tastes better - no preservatives/processing)
• lemon juice
• olive oil
• dill weed
• oregano
• onion powder (or chopped onions - I just cry like a baby when I cut onions, so I stick with the powder)
• parsley (go fresh if you can...but dried works just as well)
• lemon-pepper seasoning
• sea salt (only use normal table salt if you're desperate...this is supposed to be "healthy")
• minced garlic (either mince up some garlic cloves or buy minced garlic in the little glass jar)

Preparation:

Preheat the oven to 450-degrees. Drizzle olive oil in the bottom of a glass baking dish - use whatever size fits the fillets in an even layer. Then place the tilapia fillets in the bottom of the dish. Splash each fillet with a little lemon juice. Sprinkle the fillets with the dill weed, oregano, onion powder (or onion), parsley, lemon-pepper seasoning, sea salt, and minced garlic. I don't measure anything, but it's just a pinch or two of each spice/herb for each fillet. Turn over the fillets and sprinkle the seasonings on each fillet (again). Then bake at 450 for 15 minutes (or until the fish flakes easily with a fork).

Side Dish - Rice:

I've been using Lundberg Country Wild Whole Grain Brown Rice, a combination of long grain brown rice, whole grain Wehani rice, and whole grain Black Japonica rice. It's a simple side that just requires a dash of sea salt. No saturated/trans fat. No cholesterol. No sodium or sugar. Gluten free. Perfect for Brock's crazy diet.

Side Dish - Steamed Asparagus:

Just snap off the thick white ends of the asparagus and discard. Snap/cut the rest (including the tops) into bite size (1-inch) pieces. Throw into a veggie steamer and serve with a dash of sea salt. Simple and scrumptious. If you want a little more flavor, sprinkle with thyme and a hint of rosemary and garlic. Or if you're lucky enough to have a steamer with a "spice screen" (the steam rises up through a small screen where you put whatever spices you like) then no need to sprinkle the asparagus prior to serving.

Bon appetit.

Oh November. I love/hate thee so.

Gobble Gobble Gobble.

It's turkey month and the calendar home to one of my favorite holidays, Thanksgiving. Which I love because of the food. I may have to reconsider my love of this food-fabulous festivity. (Don't you just love that alliteration. Wow. My high school English teacher would be very proud.)

We'll deal with Thanksgiving later this month. Right now, it's just making me hungry.


November has started well for me. I just finished a little at-home workout. Right now I'm following the "Get-Your-Body-Back Workout" from the Women's Health Big Book of Exercises.

Whether you've never lifted weights before or you just haven't made time for exercise lately (lazy and a beginner...check), this 12-week plan was created with you in mind. (just for me?!? Yay!) It's designed to blast fat and tone your muscles (there will be lots of fat to blast!), while taking into account that you're not yet in peak condition (far far far from peak). And it does all of this while targeting the weaknesses brought on by a sedentary lifestyle (oh...you mean from sitting on my ass) - the kind that often slow your results and lead to frustration.

With promises to "not only transform my body but do it faster than ever", how could you not be interested?!?

For complete workout details, see "The Get-Your-Body-Back Workout" page.

Trick or Treat. Neither. Screw You.

Happy Halloween.

A day late. I know. But yesterday, I was much too busy resisting the overwhelming urge to gorge myself with snack size candy bars to even think of blogging. Don't let those little tasty treats deceive you...those little Snickers are quite evil. And don't forget how demonic those little Kit Kats are. At least for your hips. And tummy.

Wednesday 10/20 Workout

Decided to try a new approach to working out - a variation of the 300 workout.

The 300 workout was developed for the actors in the movie 300. Mmmmm...no one cannot forget those Spartan warrior bodies...abs of steel, boulder shoulders, barn door backs, etc. Yummy.

The workout is done in a giant-set fashion...meaning, you go from one exercise, to the next, to the next, with little to no rest in between. There are hugh demands on the muscles and is not meant to be done everyday...especially by beginners. It can also be incredibly dangerous. So don't try this at home.

The original workout includes the following:

• 25 pullups
• 50 deadlifts at 135 pounds
• 50 pushups
• 50 box jumps with a 24-inch box
• 50 "floor wipers" (a core and shoulders exercise at 135 pounds)
• 50 "clean and press" at 36 pounds
• 25 pullups

Pretty intense...and not designed for the results I'm looking for. Plus I don't want to fall over dead. According to WebMD, the breakdown of muscle fibers may be severe enough to be toxic to the kidneys. Yeah...a little too extreme for me.I decided to start today with a beginner's variation I found on the internet...it starts with only 100 reps and involved the following:

• 5 bodyweight rows
• 10 bodyweight squats
• 5 pushups
• 50 jumping jacks
• 10 mountain climbers
• 10 lunges
• 5 bodyweight rows

I finished that workout in 4 minutes 7 seconds. Broke a sweat and got my heart racing, but I was left wondering what the hell I did wrong. Less than 5 minutes? That's gotta be too easy.

Time to try a different approach...the Hard-Body Workout from The Women's Health Big Book of Exercises.

This workout uses mini-circuits to keep my heart rate high as I attempt to sculpt my hips, legs, and abs. So once I start moving, I keep moving - until I've worked every inch of my body, from every direction.

I'm supposed to do this workout three times per week, resting at least one day between sessions. On those "rest days", I'm going to do the Spartacus Workout as a "cardio" workout to help me speed fat loss even more. The Spartacus Workout is a collection of 10 exercises that collectively work every part of the body and are placed each at a 60-second station - in order to challenge my heart and lungs as well as my muscles.

I'll post specific details about both workouts later. For now, wish me luck! I'm gonna need it.

You know you missed me.

Skinny Bitch is back! How excited are you?!? I bet you're finding it difficult to contain your excitement and stay seated at your computer to read the rest of this post. I know. I know. Exciting times.

So why start now, you ask?

1. There were multiple requests/demands for new posts. I was amazed at how many people had started reading this. I was even more amazed that anyone found me funny.
2. I'm sick of wearing a size 12. Yes. I will admit my pants size. It's not a pretty number...it's a mean scary monster that sucks at life.
3. Love handles are not lovely. Not at all. Flabby arms are not fabulous. Thunder thighs do not rock. I would like to go skinny dipping one day...not chunky dunking.
4. I have a brand new goal. An insane army-sponsored 10 mile obstacle course through mud to be held in January (details to follow). I should be detained in a padded room for at least 72 hours after considering this to be a good idea.

I'm sure you all have a lot more questions...like, what wonderfully delusional excuses can I come up with to explain my 3 month hiatus from not only posting on this blog, but also from working out? Well...I'll entertain you with a few of the good ones:

• At the end of July, we moved into a new apartment. This meant carrying all of our crap down three flights of stairs, loading it into the truck, and lugging it up an additional flight of stairs. I did not think it was possible to sweat as much as I did during that hellish nightmare. Literally, buckets of sweat. Not a pretty sight.
• My dad was recently diagnosed with Non-Hodgekins Lymphoma. For all of the readers who are not fluent in medical terminology, this means he has cancer. It's a great prognosis. But it's gonna be a helluva trip. Chemo every three weeks for at least 8 months. Now, him having cancer is not my excuse. Rather it was traveling back to Wisco to help my mom out for a few weeks. That woman would go crazy without having her favorite daughter there (no offense Katie, but we all know I'm the chosen one).

I know. I know. Excuses. Excuses. I suck. I get that. I'm not saying I don't. Don't be haters.

Keep a look out for more blog posts. I'll attempt at least one per week...maybe more if you're nice.

Peace out bitches. Just kidding. You know I love you.

Success is Mine!

Today was a great day. It was the kind of great day where the sun is shining, birds are singing, my husband rubs my feet, and eating Burger King helps me lose weight. Let's stop right there and snap out of my delusion. The sun did not shine today. Not at all. Between sudden downpours and freak lightening, the sky was bleak all day. Well...what about those birds? They may have been singing while they took a crap on my windshield. Ok. Ok. So did Brock rub my feet? Uh. No. I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, washed dishes, and now he's snoring away...hogging the covers and the dog. Well. I love him anyway. And finally, did Burger King help me lose weight? Hell no. Shame on any of you for even thinking that one was true.

But in all seriousness, today was a great day. I met with the personal trainer at Gold's Gym today. I learned a lot of things, like:

Lesson 1: Benefits of core exercises...which can be better described as getting rid of the fat over my abs or I'll never know if I'm rocking a keg or a six-pack

Lesson 2: Circuit training techniques...meaning how to jump from one exercise to another to another to another...rest for 1.3 seconds and continue until I fall to the ground while begging God for mercy

Lesson 3: The Body Mass Index (BMI) scale...where my score lands me in the "overweight" category

Lesson 4: The affordability of personal training...after all, who can't afford $420 per month...isn't your health worth it?

Lesson 5: Stability training...the evil barbarian that thought up the bozu ball (aka half-ball-o-death) should be shot.


So. Yeah. I'll skip the personal training and opt for something at my own speed. The Women's Health Big Book of Exercises is an amazing resource...and it won't try to scam me into spending hundreds of dollars to "get fit". Stock full of photographs, illustrations, explanations, and routines, this $25 book was a great investment.

I'll bet you're all dying to know what my caloric intake was for the day. So...onto the results segment of this evening's program:

Calories off from moving my ass: 170
Calories added from stuffing my face: 745
Calories remaining in case I have a midnight threesome with Ben & Jerry: 625

So what do these numbers mean? Well. Number one - I'm a rock star and stayed within my daily caloric goal of 1200. And number two. If every day for the next 5 weeks was exactly like today, I'd lose 12.5 pounds. So there. I do rock. Well. At least I don't suck as bad as yesterday.

Good night ya'll. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite! Because bed bugs are creepy and gross.

So. What are today's results?

According to www.myfitnesspal.com:

I burned 197 calories doing 35 minutes of cardio. Which sounds great. BUT. I ate way too many calories...like 615 calories too many. And I thought I was eating healthy.

Breakfast. Most important meal of the day. Ate some Honey Nut Cheerios with fat free milk while watching Saved By the Bell reruns. Seems innocent enough. 237 calories. Evil little cheerios.

And noodles. For lunch. Just good ol' plain noodles. Simple, eh. Shouldn't rack up too high. Yeah. 426 calories. Ouch.

Can't forget those snacks. Bagel with cream cheese. A banana. Sounds super healthy. 430 calories later and I'm rethinking that "sounds super healthy" opinion.

Oh. And the big one. The one that really pushed me over the edge. Dinner. Toasted Subway foot long turkey on flat bread with shredded cheese, bacon, tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, and mayo. 955 calories. Jared lied. Prick.


Now I'm not saying that I can't eat. I get 1200 calories per day. I can lose weight and eat all the food I want, as long as I don't exceed the magic caloric intake number of 1200. So tomorrow will be better. I am determined to pay attention to that annoying little nutrition label on the back of packages. So maybe tomorrow won't be an epic fail.

No ice cream for this girl. Bummer. I was really looking forward to some vanilla bean with chocolate syrup. Well. Maybe a scoop. Followed by some sit ups and lunges.

Ah..The Sweet Smell of Sweat

I've been told that southern women don't sweat...they glisten. So it's a good thing I'm not a true southern woman because I'm sure a sweaty girl right now. Just finished up interval-endurance running on the treadmill and now attempting to cool down. Which is not that easy when you live in Houston, Texas where it's 100-degrees with 95% humidity and you sweat just thinking about going outside. But, damn, did that run feel good.

My Saturday afternoon workout at Gold's definitely kicked my ass. Between arms, chest, shoulders, hips, glutes, hammies, quads, and calves, I was really feeling the burn. In some ways it felt pretty good. It meant I worked muscles that really needed to be worked. But mostly, I hated my life all day on Sunday. I could hardly get out of bed and waddled around like an old lady...while nursing a hangover. Not fun. I was also experiencing one helluva a guilt trip...my diet went out the window Saturday night as I gorged on the best bar pizza ever! Mmmm...Lucky's Pub cheese pizza. Amazing. And amazingly bad for you. So the two pounds I lost in two days last week were probably gained back by the two slices of heaven (aka pizza) that I couldn't seem to resist after downing one too many Bud Lights. But at least I drank light beer. That should count for something...right?

Well. I better rally my motivation to jump in the shower, or Brock will probably run away from me as soon as he gets home. And no one wants their cute husband to run away from them. That's never good.

Have a great Monday night! And when faced with temptations like pizza and beer: just say no!