Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Success is Mine!

Today was a great day. It was the kind of great day where the sun is shining, birds are singing, my husband rubs my feet, and eating Burger King helps me lose weight. Let's stop right there and snap out of my delusion. The sun did not shine today. Not at all. Between sudden downpours and freak lightening, the sky was bleak all day. Well...what about those birds? They may have been singing while they took a crap on my windshield. Ok. Ok. So did Brock rub my feet? Uh. No. I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, washed dishes, and now he's snoring away...hogging the covers and the dog. Well. I love him anyway. And finally, did Burger King help me lose weight? Hell no. Shame on any of you for even thinking that one was true.

But in all seriousness, today was a great day. I met with the personal trainer at Gold's Gym today. I learned a lot of things, like:

Lesson 1: Benefits of core exercises...which can be better described as getting rid of the fat over my abs or I'll never know if I'm rocking a keg or a six-pack

Lesson 2: Circuit training techniques...meaning how to jump from one exercise to another to another to another...rest for 1.3 seconds and continue until I fall to the ground while begging God for mercy

Lesson 3: The Body Mass Index (BMI) scale...where my score lands me in the "overweight" category

Lesson 4: The affordability of personal training...after all, who can't afford $420 per month...isn't your health worth it?

Lesson 5: Stability training...the evil barbarian that thought up the bozu ball (aka half-ball-o-death) should be shot.

So. Yeah. I'll skip the personal training and opt for something at my own speed. The Women's Health Big Book of Exercises is an amazing resource...and it won't try to scam me into spending hundreds of dollars to "get fit". Stock full of photographs, illustrations, explanations, and routines, this $25 book was a great investment.

I'll bet you're all dying to know what my caloric intake was for the day. So...onto the results segment of this evening's program:

Calories off from moving my ass: 170
Calories added from stuffing my face: 745
Calories remaining in case I have a midnight threesome with Ben & Jerry: 625

So what do these numbers mean? Well. Number one - I'm a rock star and stayed within my daily caloric goal of 1200. And number two. If every day for the next 5 weeks was exactly like today, I'd lose 12.5 pounds. So there. I do rock. Well. At least I don't suck as bad as yesterday.

Good night ya'll. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite! Because bed bugs are creepy and gross.

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